Never, ever wish away time in your life. I subscribe to this theory, even though my 2010 has been rocky at best for many reasons. There have also been many things to be thankful in this year. I am mostly thankful for my health and the health and happiness of my children who have had to endure this hectic, unpredictable life with me. I am also thankful that due to the commotion in my life I am able to challenge myself and become a more whole person and confident woman.
I sit here at 11:10 pondering the prospects for the new year. This is the first time in a long time that I didn't really have a clue what my future would hold. What I do know is that I am the one who is in control of it - no one else. I am responsible for the path my life takes this year. In some ways it's easier to just plug along and allow someone else to dictate your existence. You give up responsibility and ownership for your ultimate happiness in turn you gain a go with the flow attitude. I have to say that I am noticing that this seems to be the desire of many women/wives who are near my age. Somehow, someway the desire to flaunt individuality and independence wanders away...mine did. As I look back on my life, I am disappointed that I allowed that to happen. In some ways, I think that maybe women assign themselves this role. They believe that they have done the hard work with the children, set up a smoothly running household and bam! their job is complete. I have heard and seen many married women say that they don't want their husbands to touch them. They are happy to sit back and let the independence they have created in the running of the home overtake their marriage. How many women will place their children in front of their husbands and their marriage, even when the children will be leaving and the husband theoretically will be forever. How often does this thinking backfire?
My 2011 holds great mystery for me. Dating, hmmm. Finding someone I really want to spend time with...who I am willing to allow into my newly appreciated personal space...or am I? Moving? The prospect of leaving NY is exciting...starting over sounds like the personal challenge that I want and need to make an endeavor out of. How do my children fit into this? I have so much to learn about being by myself. Some of it is so scary, yet some of it is incredibly liberating. Which side will I embrace this year? I truly hope that I can learn to trust in my instincts again...I hope that I can trust people again...that I can trust my heart again...that I can open my heart again. Here's to a new year full of surprises and control all in one. Spontaneous is one of the words of the year. We'll see how it goes.
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